I'm an obese man trapped in a fat man body.

I've been fat all my life. OK not all my life, but at least ages 8 through age 22. That's a lot of time to be fat. That's a lot of insults thrown your way. A lot of rejection, a lot of teasing, a lot of every thing you would expect when you are an over weight fuck. Not that it was all bad. To combat all those extra Lbs, I developed quite a sense of humor, not to mention a caustic wit that, for the most point, could make people cry.

Then, at age 23 I underwent a mind and body changing experience; it took my life and shook it up side down.

I got cancer. In my throat.

I had three rounds of chemotherapy, which, like it does to most people, made me lose my hair and made me vomit. No biggie. The worst part was having six weeks of twice daily radiation. Radiation is the worst thing in the entire world. bar none. first my throat started to swell, and I couldn't eat, which was tough on a guy who cleaned his plate, and his neighbors plate. Then to help me keep weight on, my doctors placed a gastro-intestinal tube into my stomach, so I could at least feed my self. Though opening up a can of nutritional supplement and pouring it into a bag that lets it into your stomach can hardly be called "eating."

I lost about 100 pounds, bringing my weight down to about 140 lbs on a six foot frame. Yes I looked skeletal, yea i looked like a concentration camp prisoner. gaunt face, ribs showing, but dammit, for the first time in my life, I was underweight.

The cancer diet- works 100% of the time.
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Its been about a year and a half since my last surgery. no complications. no re-occurrences.

I weigh 170 lbs. I'm six feet. A beautiful lady told me I was handsome. Yea it was at a strip club, and yea it was after i gave her money, but fuck you.

As far as I have come in my understanding of the universe, of god and what 'life' means, I still feel like a fat kid. I don't see any thing attractive int he mirror, and don't take people seriously when they say any thing positive. that can't be good for my mental state.

I'm tired and I'm scared. Possibly in that order.

I'm scared and I'm tired. I'm tired of working at a gym, I'm tired of putting in long days at a place where I'm not seeing progress, I'm tired of having to deal with my employees who don't respect me. I'm tired of working at a place where I don't enjoy the work. I'm scared that I'm not going to like any place i go. I'm scared of every one else knowing that I'm not a worker. that i talk a fine game but don't put any thing forward. I'm scared that I'm never going to make a good salary. I'm tired of not making any salary. I'm scared because I know I could live a long happy life as a homeless man in California, going from library to library, reading, increasing the amount of useless information i hold in my brain, with out doing any hard work. living on soup kitchen remnants and watching girls go by on the blvd. I'm scared that my years of memorizing television and movie factoids and dialogue wont help me any where. I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I'm tired of being tired all the time. They said it would go away after all the surgery, but i get fatigued all the time. I'm scared of getting sick again. I'm scared because part of me loved the fact that i had an excuse to sit home all day and watch TV and movies. I'm tired of thinking i know every thing. I'm tired of thinking I'm smarter than every one else. I'm scared of putting in the work. I'm scared that if i do try something i love i won't be good at it. I'm scared that i am just going to coast through life with out doing any thing of consequence- not some thing that the whole world notices but something that any one notices. I'm tired of slacking off. I'm terrified of work. I'm tired of doing things quickly, without regard of outcome. I'm tired of not liking people as soon as i come into contact with them. I'm tired of not liking people who are smarter than me.I'm tired of bitching to my mom. I'm scared that the only person I bitch to is my mom. I'm tired of sounding like a whiny little girl.

SO Vestin had a good night last night, winning all three bets.

So for a quick update I am now down 3.18, or three bets worth of 'the vig'

Tonight we have another bet, in NCAA Mens Basketball.


Arizona St -9

good luck and good night

today so far.......

Three plays today:

Bet $20.00 on Utah Utes (approx. -3.5 points)

NYK vs. CLE Bet $20.00 that the total of this game will go OVER (approx. 208)

Bet $20.00 on Tulsa Golden Hurricane (approx. -2.5 points)

that is all.

Monday Update for Vestin Sports

Hello all, to day we have two bets from vestin, one in the ncaa, one in the nba. So far we are minus $37.72.


I wil update you tomorrow morning as to how the bets have gone.

Day 2 Results and Bets for Tonight

Last Night the Vestin System had 2 bets for me.

The first was (NCAA BB) California +9.r for $55.00 LOSS

the second was ARKansas -5.5 for $25 WIN

so after two day grand total: 488.19

2 betstonight. will update tomorrow

Vestin Sports Betting System Review

So I ran into vestin sports - a web site that gives you sports picks. As a regular sucker, I ponied up the 9.95 for the first month. Evidently I will get 3 picks a day. And hopefuly I will keep this updated and we can see what happens and if it was worth my 9.95.

To begin let me lay the ground work; Vestin says you should start with a $500.00 bankroll, and the average bet being placed at $25.00.

Last night there were 3 plays:

NCAA:

Ohio St -4.5 $25 Won

Rhode Island -3 $25 Won

NBA:

Detroit vs Minnesota OVER 198- LOSS $25

BALANCE THIS MORNING: 520.46

Will Update tomorrow morning. night.