I'm tired and I'm scared. Possibly in that order.

I'm scared and I'm tired. I'm tired of working at a gym, I'm tired of putting in long days at a place where I'm not seeing progress, I'm tired of having to deal with my employees who don't respect me. I'm tired of working at a place where I don't enjoy the work. I'm scared that I'm not going to like any place i go. I'm scared of every one else knowing that I'm not a worker. that i talk a fine game but don't put any thing forward. I'm scared that I'm never going to make a good salary. I'm tired of not making any salary. I'm scared because I know I could live a long happy life as a homeless man in California, going from library to library, reading, increasing the amount of useless information i hold in my brain, with out doing any hard work. living on soup kitchen remnants and watching girls go by on the blvd. I'm scared that my years of memorizing television and movie factoids and dialogue wont help me any where. I'm tired of being alone and lonely. I'm tired of being tired all the time. They said it would go away after all the surgery, but i get fatigued all the time. I'm scared of getting sick again. I'm scared because part of me loved the fact that i had an excuse to sit home all day and watch TV and movies. I'm tired of thinking i know every thing. I'm tired of thinking I'm smarter than every one else. I'm scared of putting in the work. I'm scared that if i do try something i love i won't be good at it. I'm scared that i am just going to coast through life with out doing any thing of consequence- not some thing that the whole world notices but something that any one notices. I'm tired of slacking off. I'm terrified of work. I'm tired of doing things quickly, without regard of outcome. I'm tired of not liking people as soon as i come into contact with them. I'm tired of not liking people who are smarter than me.I'm tired of bitching to my mom. I'm scared that the only person I bitch to is my mom. I'm tired of sounding like a whiny little girl.