I'm an obese man trapped in a fat man body.

I've been fat all my life. OK not all my life, but at least ages 8 through age 22. That's a lot of time to be fat. That's a lot of insults thrown your way. A lot of rejection, a lot of teasing, a lot of every thing you would expect when you are an over weight fuck. Not that it was all bad. To combat all those extra Lbs, I developed quite a sense of humor, not to mention a caustic wit that, for the most point, could make people cry.

Then, at age 23 I underwent a mind and body changing experience; it took my life and shook it up side down.

I got cancer. In my throat.

I had three rounds of chemotherapy, which, like it does to most people, made me lose my hair and made me vomit. No biggie. The worst part was having six weeks of twice daily radiation. Radiation is the worst thing in the entire world. bar none. first my throat started to swell, and I couldn't eat, which was tough on a guy who cleaned his plate, and his neighbors plate. Then to help me keep weight on, my doctors placed a gastro-intestinal tube into my stomach, so I could at least feed my self. Though opening up a can of nutritional supplement and pouring it into a bag that lets it into your stomach can hardly be called "eating."

I lost about 100 pounds, bringing my weight down to about 140 lbs on a six foot frame. Yes I looked skeletal, yea i looked like a concentration camp prisoner. gaunt face, ribs showing, but dammit, for the first time in my life, I was underweight.

The cancer diet- works 100% of the time.
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Its been about a year and a half since my last surgery. no complications. no re-occurrences.

I weigh 170 lbs. I'm six feet. A beautiful lady told me I was handsome. Yea it was at a strip club, and yea it was after i gave her money, but fuck you.

As far as I have come in my understanding of the universe, of god and what 'life' means, I still feel like a fat kid. I don't see any thing attractive int he mirror, and don't take people seriously when they say any thing positive. that can't be good for my mental state.